Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
