I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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