I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize