If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
