she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
