I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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