someone threw a dead crab at me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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