You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
