Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
