I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
