I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize