I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
