I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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