If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
