i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
