I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
