remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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