I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
