I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
