Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
