i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize