Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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