woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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