Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
