last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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