My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
