I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
