I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
