So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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