Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
