Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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