Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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