Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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