His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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