GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
