just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Green mimosas i think yes
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
