Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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