Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
