Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
that is very illegal...i love you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
