I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
