we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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