drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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