Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
