Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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