Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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