I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
