1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
