it hurts more in the daytime
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
