My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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