i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
