It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
