New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
