Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
