Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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