i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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