I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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