drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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