Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
