i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize