Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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