I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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