The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
