i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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