I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
