when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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