GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
