Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
